alias: boundary
🔥SPINE🔥 vs ✋BOUNDARIES🤚 Recently some friends were talking about boundaries. How to handle it when someone we love keeps violating them. Pressuring. Nagging. Forgetting our requests. There's a lot of good stuff out there about this problem. And my friends know most of it! Being clear, stepping back, saying "I'm not available for this", etc. ("A boundary is the closest distance at which I can be available for connection with you." I think that was Luis Mojica.) But somehow it's still a struggle. Why? Because boundaries aren't magic. There's no magic formula that makes them work. Boundaries are EXTERNAL. They're BETWEEN you and the other person/people/whatever. But your CAPACITY TO ENFORCE THEM is INTERNAL. Your ability to DRAW them comes from inside. I don't mean this vaguely. Some ephemeral spiritual innards. I mean it comes from your BODY. There's a reason we talk about someone being "spineless" or tell them to "grow a spine". Everyone has an anatomical spine. So what's with this phrase? Or how about "standing up" against wrongdoing? "Collapsing" in the face of challenge? We rarely mean this LITERALLY. But I've watched it literally. Most people shrink from punching things. Even padded mats and punching bags. Even when they're SUPPOSED to. They curl over and smile nervously. When I teach them a martial arts throw, they'll fold over, fragmenting their bodies. No power. No coordination. Hands & feet & hips all wiggling separately. Their bodies are jumbled. Fragmented. It's why so many people hurt their backs picking up heavy objects. If you're a jangly pile of bones & flesh flopped on the ground… how are you gonna protect your boundaries? Whimper? Bite when stepped on? Having an ENERGETIC spine is a 🔥CHOICE🔥. It radiates from inside. Like a roaring furnace blasting its heat outwards. Up and down the body's power currents. Legend places this furnace at what Taoists call "dantian" and yogis call "manipura". The FIRE chakra. The center of will, intention, and EGO. (Yes, ego. You FORGE an ego. You NEED an ego. You WANT one. Don't let "spiritual teachings" confuse you here: you don't want to get rid of your ego, you want to ACHIEVE WHAT YOU WANT and BE FREE OF PAIN.) There's an uprightness — in the PHYSICAL BODY — that supports the social & spiritual power to deal with boundary violations. If you need others to honor your boundaries for you to be functional… you're not in control of your center. You're off balance. Manipulable. 🔥SCREW🔥THAT🔥. You do NOT have to wait for others to respect your boundaries. You don't need to "be clear" with them to find your center. It comes from within. "I can." Breath connected to a strong core. Knowing, in your blood and sinews, that there's NOTHING they can do to extinguish your will. THIS is where boundaries that MATTER come from. From your fiery SPINE. Breath, intention, and movement unified. A belly cultivated to fuel the flames. A body honed to channel your will. "This is my life. I choose. I can. I will." 🔥💪🔥 I teach this. It's a physical process that radiates out into life. Immensely learnable. I offer 1-on-1 tutoring in this. If this speaks to you, reach out to me. Let me help you remember your inner fire. Whether with me or by some other channel.
Boundaries can be a tricky topic. There are many misunderstandings that abound (hah!) about boundaries. Here are 5 Boundary Statements with some limited notes about how to apply them. If you have more boundary questions, feel free to book a boundary assessment with me or watch out for an upcoming masterclass on boundaries!
Silence is already 99% of your boundaries. Think of what a boundary truly is... it's the line between what gets your attention and what doesn't. You ignore millions of stimuli each day, categorizing them as noise. You give your attention to what you have decided is valuable, the signal over the noise. Understanding the way that silence is a boundary requires an immense amount of personal responsibility. It requires you to take full responsibility for where your attention is in any given moment, including deprogramming your reactivity to things that do not deserve your precious attention. Silence as a boundary is not a weighty silence. It's not meant for someone to read into it. It's the silence of you not showing up. It's the silence of you hearing a noise and deciding it's meaningless without even consciously considering it. This silence can apply to subtext of all forms coming from people you believe are trying to manipulate you with subtext. The silence is that you do not read into or respond in any way to subtext. The silence is in your own mind. You do not try to uncover what the person really means. You simply respond to what is on the surface and ignore the rest calmly, because it only exists if you participate in its existence, if you hold vigil for it with your attention.
What? "I love it" is how you start a boundary? Aren't boundaries for stopping people from hurting you? Bullet proof vests exist, but clothes are not for the sole purpose of stopping bullets. Some boundaries stop you from being hurt, but those kinds of boundaries are only useful so long as there are a bunch of people in your life who are likely to hurt you. Is that the standard you're setting for your life? Are you creating a life for yourself where you're always just about to be hurt? Boundaries are points of connection. Great boundaries advertise to others the best ways to connect with you. Great boundaries enable connection to reach ever higher heights of bliss. A boundary that sounds like "I love it when you..." is a boundary that invites connection. It is a boundary based on YES, based on me having a high standard for my life. These are the most important boundaries in intimate relationships. Generally, intimate relationships that require boundaries to prevent injuries are in need of a complete readjustment and perhaps a termination. If your partner is only interested in limiting the pain they cause you but doesn't seem moved by what you love, that bears some careful reexamination. If your partner isn't even interested in limiting the pain they cause you, get out.
This is the boundary statement that does it ALL. This is the boundary statement that is sourced in abundance for all and of all things. This is the boundary statement that acknowledges that they deserve to have the need met, but you will not extend beyond your boundaries because of their need. "I'm [not] available" is beautiful because it is a statement about you and your capacity in this precise moment.
Your availability is: Your capacity for sensation Your capacity for emotion Your physical capacity A factor of your nourishment A reflection of your preference A reflection of your agency
"I'm not available..." is also quite like silence, in that it is not to be used to manipulate others into giving you what you want, but a truthful statement about what will engage and keep your attention. Saying what you are and are not available for shows someone where what they want overlaps with what you want and are available for. It's better for everyone if you say what you're available for, because then the other person is sure to get their need met by someone who actually wants to meet it.
This is the statement to use when you notice that you're feeling overwhelmed and you want to create space for yourself to regulate, so you can show up in a way that feels good to you and upholds your standards for your own behavior.
It might sound like:
"I'm feeling hot all of a sudden and I need to go breathe for a minute."
"I'm feeling confused and I need to journal for a while."
"I'm feeling overwhelmed and I need space until I reach back out to you."
"I'm feeling the drug of this connection and I need to sober up for a little while."
"I'm feeling disassociated and I need to reconnect with myself and you before we take this further."
This one is very vulnerable to misuse, so pay close attention to this disclaimer: We often say "I'm feeling like..." or "I'm feeling that..." and what follows is not a feeling but a thought.
Feelings are sensations and emotions. In order for this to be a boundary statement, "I'm feeling" can ONLY be followed by an emotion, adjective, or a description of sensation. Otherwise it is not a boundary statement, but a potential hook to continue the conflict.
Here are some examples of thoughts and feelings that all start with "I'm feeling:"
Can you identify which are emotions, which are sensations, and which are thoughts?
1 is a thought, 2 is a sensation, 3 is a sensation, 4 is an emotion, and 5 is a thought masquerading as a feeling. 5 is ultra sneaky, definitely watch out for the passive voice.
Thoughts used as boundaries are manipulations at best and at worst they are accusations. That's what I mean when I say these are hooks to continue the conflict.
You say "I'm feeling like you don't care about me." And then the conversation becomes about whether or not the person cares about you, whether you're accurate in your thought/feeling.
They're manipulated to prove their care to you, or they're accused of not caring. Their continuation of the conversation might seem like they're ignoring your boundary because they are in a position of needing to defend themselves. No matter what, it's messy, and it keeps them talking when what you're trying to do is make space for yourself.
This statement is you taking responsibility for how and when you participate in the relationship, keeping up your standard for how the relationship will feel. This statement also helps to set or reset the other person's expectations of how you will show up, because you have a right to change your mind at any time about anything.
"I will reach out to you when I feel centered."
"I will be there thirty minutes late."
"I will speak with you when your voice is at a lower volume."
"I will be available an hour after I get home from work."
"I will have sex with you when I am ready."
Clear expectations are essential to boundary work---I might even say that clear expectations ARE boundaries. When you set an expectation, you are telling the other person what they are signing up for. This allows them to choose whether to show up or not.
You are allowed to use this boundary to change the expectation, and when the expectation changes, they are allowed to change their mind about whether to show up or not.