Emotional Intimacy by Robert Augustus Masters Book Summary by David Lion
Table of Contents:
Common-Misconceptions-about-Emotions Fear - Excitement in Drag Shame - from feeling Defective to Dignity Anger- Wrathful Compassion Unleashed Sadness- When Hearts break open to life’s Beauty Joy - we’ve been looking in the wrong place.. How to develop emotional Intimacy (with your partner) Conscious Rant Exercise
Emotion is a Verb, not a Noun That means it is a process that is constant motion. In order for us to understand why Emotions constantly changes, let's look at the difference between Feeling and Emotion: Feeling is the registering of sensation. It is non-cognitive, we don't think about feeling, we simply.. feel.
That is because Feelings burst through before we can even start thinking. When you feel your heart starting to beat fast, your hands and armpits begin to sweat, you register that before you can even think, "oh, this is fear."
In contrast, Emotion is how we respond to the sensations. Our Emotions are a complex Interplay between feeling, cognition and our conditioning.
That means that we are very much involved in the creation of our Emotions, whereas Feelings happen so quickly we cannot change them.
Emotion is NOT the opposite of Reason
Emotions only cloud the skies of rational thought when we lack intimacy with them. And rational thought muddies its own waters when it's cut off from emotion - slipping into 'irrational rationality'/anti-rational.
There is a cultural idea that we can either be rational or emotional.
Masters argues that our reason suffers either when we repress or over-indulge in our emotions. Neither of those two is what he calls Emotional Intimacy.
The whole process of Emotional Intimacy is learning to be with our emotions instead of acting from them. Masters further quotes studies which show that unrepressed emotion contributes to mental and social skills.
No Emotion is Negative
We have labeled many of our emotions, besides joy, as negative. However, what we consider negative is usually what we do with them.
Masters discerns between Adaptive and Maladaptive Responses to our emotions.
What leads to maladaptive (negative) responses to our emotions is usually some kind of avoidance of feeling them. When we feel fear and habitually get lost in worrying, that is maladaptive.
The underlying fear itself isn't. The whole process of Emotional Intimacy is about developing adaptive (healthy/positive) responses to our emotions.
Besides our Core Emotions, Fear, Anger, Shame, Sadness, Joy, Surprise, Disgust, there are many combinations of emotions.
Guilt for example is Shame and Fear combined.
If you truly desire genuine transformation, look no further than your fear. In fear there exists and abundance of trapped energy and also the very testing and challenge that we need to live a deeper, more authentic life.
What we usually dislike about Fear is actually Contracted Fear.
Imagine your fear to be a tight fist. The more you learn to turn it into a wide-open hand, the more it would transform into excitement and passion for life.
It transforms when it's given space instead of being further caged.
We are so pervaded, both personally and collectively, by shame that we have shame about how much shame we have.
Shame is our most hidden emotion. We experience Shame when we (think we) are being exposed as defective or wrong.
Our head starts hanging, we round our upper back, our face ceels hot and contracting..
There are people who argue that Shame is a destructive emotion.
Masters says if we meet Shame with compassion, it can lead us to develop healthy conscience - a moral intelligence in the raw.
But usually we try to avoid feeling Shame.
One way this shows up is by compensating the deflating effect of Shame with Inflating Pride.
However, when the Pride fades out, the underlying Shame will come to surface again.
Healthy Shame is always directed at a particular action, not the "doer".
"Healthy shame takes us to our knees temporarily; if we take fitting action, it then restores our dignity."
Anger doesn't vanish as we awaken - in fact, it may become even more fiery, burning more and more cleanly, serving the well-being of all involved.
Connecting to the fiery Power of Anger without disconnecting from the hurt and vulnerability connected is the path toward healthy Anger.
Most of what we think is Anger is Anger Avoidance
Aggression is anger stripped of its heart, devoid of compassion. It is a way of avoiding truly facing anger, the hurt & vulnerability that are part of it.
One Anger Avoidance strategy that I know very well : Sarcasm.
Often it is devoid of Compassion and fused with Shaming the other.
Masters further discerns between Clean and Unclean Anger.
Clean Anger stays connected to care and vulnerability. Clean Anger does not Shame. It stay connected to the energy of anger (how it feels in the body) rather than the Content of Anger (the thoughts that can further intensify the anger).
And when we are connected to clean Anger, we remain aware of the Impact our Anger is having. If we notice that our partner is not able to hear our anger, that they are shut down and overwhelmed, we need to be able to shift gears.
No need for Perfectionism though, clean anger is not an end point where we magically stop blaming our partner, it’s simply the ability to notice when our Anger starts becoming unclean and then shifting in time.
= Loss taken to heart
The Protective walls of anger and shame in men are so common that it seems like it's part of "being a man".
Men start crying once their shame has been properly addressed
"The most painful part of crying is right before its onset
The Difference between Sadness & Depression:
Blue vs. Black Loosens us vs. flattens us movement vs. no movement uncovers us vs. keeps us under the covers
If you want more joy, get as intimate as possible with all of your emotions.
Reaching joy is recognizing it's not outside of us and that we access it by embracing ALL of our experiences and emotions.
Different Types of Joy:
Situational Joy: dependant on circumstances, e.g winning the lottery Non-situational Joy: joy of simply being Realizational Joy: recognizing that we achieved something very meaningful without egoic inflation
Joy is more a foundation than something we can reach through effort.
What is Emotional Intimacy?
Knowing what you feel & being able to name it (Emotional Literacy) Relating to vs. from our emotions - having the right distance to them
Admitting to ourselves and others when we're emotionally disconnected
Emotional Intimacy in Relationships:
Creating conscious spaces where both partners take turns in:
Sharing what we're afraid to share Sharing what we feel Shameful about
The Conscious Rant is a practice and container you create in order to fully access an emotion and release it.
This is especially useful because most of us are used to holding back. For example, we might be pissed off at something, but instead of openly expressing that, we become passive aggressive.
Conscious Rants can be a lot of fun, as it is a space for you to become truly melodramatic. To over-exaggerate an emotional experience.
YOu can do this by yourself or with a trusted partner.
The steps are simple.
Name the Prevailing Emotion Cut loose with what you’re feeling. Exaggerate your speech, your tone, your body movements. Be melodramatic Do this full-out until you naturally run out of steam (usually within 10 minutes), then lie down or sit comfortably for a few minutes
When it comes to anger, it has helped me to put on some angry, energetic music to get in the mood.